What I was not prepared for when I jumped on the kid/family bandwagon

Took a little hiatus for some vacation and family time. Now, back to work!

What I was not prepared for when I jumped on the kid/family bandwagon:

1. Two words. Back. Fat.  When you are pregnant—everything is stretched and taut…then the baby leaves the vessel and all the things that were stretched are now saggy and flabby. You have rolls in the front to contend with, as well as new rolls in the back that attempt to swallow your bra…and then there is the dreaded muffin top. There’s a reason for mom jeans, ya’ll.  Maybe one day I’ll get back into the low rise jeans. For now, I am resigned to the back fat…and my new pancake ass size.
2. Let Peedom Ring. Yup. It’s true.  It may not happen to you, but chances are it probably will.  And unless you are the bold talker like myself, it is simply not discussed—but if we didn’t laugh at the fact that in making these adorable mini-humans we have developed the lovely side effect of peeing ourselves, then how can we get past it?  I remember how much it caught me by surprise. The moment where I was like…okay…this just happened. This thing I thought would never happen to me totally just transpired.  I was at a bachelorette party three months post birth of first baby…baby-free and therefore quite inebriated, dancing at the elite (ahem) club known as Seacrets.  “Oooo!  This song is so AW-E-SOME!” and I started to jump up and down. And then I froze. Holy crap did I just pee myself? So, I’m like okay…I’m reasonable and a medical professional.  I am drunk and probably need to empty my bladder—get back to the dance floor and attempt the jumping move again. Hmm…yup that didn’t work. So, in short, no more fun jumping dance move that I was crazy about in my pre-baby days…and no jumping jacks…and no sneezing while sitting indian style…and no sneezing with a full bladder…and no sneezing AT ALL while pregnant with number 2…It’s embarrassing but, alas, very common. And Kegels?  Haha—all of us out there with a little sneeze-piddling every once and awhile have done a metric ass-ton of Kegels with no real improvement. SO preach your Kegels-idea elsewhere.
3. Generalized Emotional Instability That isn’t including post-partum depression or anxiety.  Pregnant? Just gave birth? Just weaned? PMS? There’s a lovely emotional roller-coaster for each. My husband once made a joke that toddlers are bipolar psychopaths that are constantly trying to kill themselves. The hormonal, sleep-deprived mother is not far off from this description. On that note—I felt very anxious after the birth of my second child. I didn’t score within a range of intervention on the 6 week post-partum depression scale because alas, I was not depressed. When I asked my doctor for a referral for a therapist, he offered me a prescription for Xanax, which I declined. The referral he gave me was for a psychiatrist. Don’t get me wrong—psychiatry is a valid area of medicine. However, I often care for those who do the psychiatry component without an added therapist component. I don’t see anyone getting better on medication alone. I had to look and research to find a therapist that was right for me. 
4. Dislike for you kids and/or spouse compounded with an extreme lack of patience. Of course you love your family. You love your spouse—but there are some days you don’t particularly like them. Kids are the same way. I didn’t particularly like the 6 weeks of hell that consumes me when there is a newborn and I especially do not like my threenager on her days where she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. It goes both ways, though—I am sure they don’t like me some days either.
5. Diet changes that may be permanent.  When I was a kid I was a picky eater.  When I hit my late teens and early 20s, my palate finally matured and I started to be more adventurous and branch out.  Then, I got pregnant. My first pregnancy was actually enjoyable as I was hardly sick and could eat just about anything but fish. With my second? The only thing I could stomach regularly was pasta. Before kids I was also a pretty decent cook.  While pregnant, since I was feeling green constantly, I could barely stand up at the stove and cook a meal. After kids, it has taken a lot of time to take pleasure in cooking again.  My tastes are slowly returning—I am just feeling like eating vegetables again 9 months after the birth of my second child.
6. Pooping is a spectator sport. Before kids, the door was always closed. It is private time, period. After kids? The door that once locked out the world is now on a revolving hinge. What does not help this change is the fact that the only place we can hang the doorway bouncer is in our first floor bathroom—so a baby is often chilling there goofing at you. Plus, even when you can close the door, it is not exactly a quiet moment—the crib midgets ultimately need something or just want to bother you.
7. Learning how judgmental you were and possibly still are. Pre-children you have ideals. And you judge EVERYBODY: that mom in the store with the toddler having the Hiroshima meltdown over something, the mom who is formula feeding, the mom that stays at home or works or both, private vs. public schools, organic vs GMOs…the list goes on. When you have a child, you realize how HARD parenting truly can be and that you really are an asshole. You. Know. Nothing. And here’s the truth? Nobody knows what they are doing---even the goddamn sanctimommies. Parenting is so imperfect, yet we continue to put each other down because it’s not what we believe. Get over yourself and just be. Life is too short to judge people or to worry about someone judging you.
8. You will probably get caught doing the nasty with your spouse. Whether it is an oversight in door closing (and possibly locking), or a spontaneous event somewhere else in your house other than the bedroom, you are bound to get caught no matter what precautions you think you have taken. While your kid(s) are still in cribs this is highly unlikely, unless, of course, you have a climber.  Once they’re out, though, good luck.  We were good for a while even after that point because we could lock my daughter’s door…but alas…she has figured out the contraption.  Nothing like jumping and hiding under your sheets while your kid comes in sleepily asking for milk, none the wiser as to what she has just interrupted… for now. The actual scarring will come later, I’m sure.
9. You will eventually hurt your child.  And no, I don’t mean abuse.  I mean totally on accident.  You will run into them, not realizing their toddling, top-heavy little body was standing right behind you.  You will throw a ball to them and it will knock them over or hit them in the eye. You will forget to put the gate up and your daughter will ever-so-proudly stand up on a step, only to then face plant on the wood floor, ripping her frenulum, bleeding everywhere and freaking you out.  (Ahem, that last one was purely hypothetical). Sometimes the accident will happen when you are distracted, forget something, or even trust your child a little too much because they have never done something before so why would they do it now? Accidents happen, but they still make you feel like shit. It is a normal and also okay to feel awful and depressed for a couple days post-accident whether serious or not.  You spend all of your time trying to protect your child from harm so when something happens you question everything. You are not a bad parent—you are human.
10. Sleep deprivation.  You thought you knew what you were getting into. You did countless all-nighters in school, have done night shift and have been pretty damn tired before. So you are prepared for what’s coming, right?  BIG FAT WRONG.  I don’t know about you, but I have never been so tired in my life. I have not slept right since my first was born, and when I had somewhat recovered from the sleepless onslaught she wreaked upon me, I got stupid and decided it was time for another. So, I’m right back where I started. I’ve learned a lot about myself in my sleep deprived state—mainly how I can go from zero to BITCH in a nanosecond.
11. Aphasia and Amnesia. Also known as Mombrain. It’s real. You get a glimpse of it while you are pregnant but it is when the baby comes and the sleep deprivation sets in that you realize you are just plain effed in the brain department.  Before kid-- I was a PICU nurse who could handle two critically ill patients without writing a single thing down and keeping track of intake, output and all of the complexities involved with the patients. Now? I have to write down everything because if I don’t it is gone. Like...forever.  It could be something silly, which is not really the problem—it’s the important stuff like what you need at the store for dinner, or a call you need to make for your job.  The worse is forgetting stuff when other people are counting on you. Another thing that has seemed to go to the wayside is my vocabulary for everyday conversation. A patient comes in the ER and the name of whatever they have injured or their complaint has left me—so I stutter to find the word or just go to the all-encompassing description of the “thingie.”  I sound like an idiot. I feel like an idiot. Words leave me all of the time. Sometimes it is something simple and I can describe it—but other times I struggle to find even the description to help me out. Before kids I had once considered going back to school—but now that my vocabulary has resorted to "thingies"…and a lot of curse words. I think I will be waiting an eternity for my brain to build back some essential cells and maybe some retention power. Wait...what were we talking about, again?
12. Kids are gross and often share it with you.  Your kid just learned to give kisses but they have a cold. Are you going to deny the new affection? Hell no. Is the fact that there is snot on her face that she’s smooshing all into you cheek totally vomit-inducing? Yes. You will also eat drooly cheerios when shared. You will probably get peed on, drooled and barfed on (bonus points for in your mouth or other major orifice!), and every parent out there has a good poop story. The next time you see my husband, ask him what events lead to where he got poop on his face.
13. You will never stop caring about what your kids are consuming (both mentally and physically). Our daughter is a picky eater. My husband and I have basically driven ourselves into apoplexy in any given week because of what she will or won’t (mostly won’t) eat. Then, there is the food prep for the baby—the good news is that he eats (for now)…but I almost cannot keep up. The threenager also likes to become CONSUMED by a show or movie for weeks at a time. Currently we have watched Lilo and Stitch about 2x/day for 10 days. She sings along to the Hawaiian song in the opening, forgodsake! There was that study released recently that show that the content in Sesame Street is equivalent to what is taught in preschool.  Well? The threenager refuses to sit through one episode. I can’t really blame her…that show is a little nuts.
14. You can go from zero crying in an instant, men included. A Google Chrome, Hallmark or even Budweiser commercial can be the culprit...and that montage of war veterans coming home to their families on YouTube. Also, those crocodile tears you never thought you would fall for before you became a parent totally melt you in an instant…and she knows it. It does not matter what it is, but all you know if before kids you cried like 2 times a year. Now? Two times a week is a good week for you.