You read right. Ever since becoming a parent 3+ years ago, I
have a developed a grading system for determining how well an outing or event
with my children plays out. This theory can
also be applied to your everyday events and happenings. It is just something
that I use to try to lighten a situation and it almost always illicits a laugh from
the person I am talking to when I am trying to describe how well something did
or did not go.
The Percent Clusterf*ck can also be used with an associated
rewards system for mom, dad, or whoever is caring for the crib midgets at the
moment. For example, if you feel something
has gone to greater than 50, 60 or even 75% Clusterf*ck, then, my dear, you
deserve an adult beverage and something fried…and/or chocolate. If something is below the 50% Clusterf*ck
range, then that is counted as a success in the books. And a success, in theory, also deserves a
reward of an adult beverage and chocolate…and maybe a pedicure. Either way you win, right?
Examples of Percent Clusterf*ck rating in regards to life
with children
Note: Most of these situations are hypothetical...yeah that's my story and I'm sticking to it…
Exhibit A: You’re pregnant with #2, at the OB office naked
from the waist down in a flimsy gown, trying to entertain the Toddler (She wasn’t
the Threenager until after her brother was born). You wait almost 2 hours for your OB. By the time he walks in, you’re so frazzled
and weary looking that he asks if you are feeling depressed. During the questioning, the Toddler throws
your phone on the floor (but the screen didn’t shatter, hooray!). Percent Clusterf*ck about 60. However, you are pregnant and technically
cannot partake in the adult beverage so instead you go home and lick the condensation
off a beer bottle in hopes of a contact buzz and eat a serving (or five) of
fudge brownies…and/or pickles.
Exhibit B: You decided to go to the local petting farm
because the Threenager keeps talking about the piggies. Before you leave, the
baby manages to puke on you and also ruin his outfit with a pooptastrophe. Okay, life happens, everyone gets changed and
handled and you’re on your way. Once at the petting farm, there are no piggies
as they are due to be born the following week and now the Threenager is disappointed
(Yup, should have checked that website).
After dealing with the disappointment, the Threenager turns into defiant
and non-listening terror and you have to chase after her while baby is in the
carrier attached to your body and you tweak your knee. After several come-to-Jesus talks with the Threenager,
the last warning has been given and you are now leaving as punishment (but not
before claiming your free ice cream sandwiches). In the car, the Threenager cries big fat
tears while drinking her milk cup…and you stress eat both ice cream sandwiches
(Well, the baby helped and maybe you were nice enough to give the Threenager a
couple bites). Percent Clusterf*ck? 80.
Exhibit C: In our house we have a bedtime routine where the
baby goes to bed a good 30-45 minutes before the Threenager. The other night, circumstances changed and
the Threenager fell asleep in the car while the baby stayed awake. In trying to
put the Threenager to bed, she woke up wailing/crying and it took more time
than originally allotted to get her into her bed. Come downstairs to find that
the baby had throroughly distributed water from the dog bowl all over himself
and the majority of the kitchen. Percent Clusterf*ck? 55-60. Add another 10
percent depending on your fatigue and patience level by that time of night.
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