So we did a juice fast...

Let me preface this post by saying that my husband and I are not particularly unhealthy.  Our BMIs are within an acceptable range, we’re average for our heights and weights, and we eat our vegetables…most of the time.  Recently, we had our cholesterol checked.  Mine was fine but, as we suspected, my husband’s genetics plus our only mostly healthy diet had contributed to some nasty looking numbers.  Also, my husband’s side has family members that have suffered a range of cardiac related events—some due to cultural influences but probably most due to genetic inclination. After the results, I made more of an effort to cook more vegetarian and vegan dishes for dinner.  Truth be told, if your DNA predisposes you to higher cholesterol and triglycerides, diet has a minute influence.  But hey, trying to get all the balls in our court. 

So one night, my husband watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  He became motivated to try a juice fast.  Now ladies…you know men.  It has to be their idea to make a change or try something new (like a drastic change in diet).  And try it we did.  Here is what we learned:

1. We LOVE food.  When we can, we go to local establishments/restaurants and we also eat a variety of cuisine types.  When you drink your caloric intake for 3+ days, you really get a sense of your relationship with food. While we are not total foodies—I’d say we are 75% foodie.  Recent limitations have infringed on our foodie status due to two kids under the age of 3 (limits outings to nicer establishments) and my last pregnancy with #2 where I could only eat pasta for 8 months that is still having effects on my tastes 11+ months later.
2. As I have gotten older, I have learned that I am a hangry person.  I can go, go, go without food, drinking or peeing—I work 12 hour shifts as an RN and it is how all of us nurses are trained to perform in our job (although, this self-sacrificing practice is not encouraged).  When lives are in jeopardy, we run on adrenaline and table our needs until appropriate…or at least until we get a spare 3 minutes to shove something in our faces. As a result of 8 years of this practice, when I am not working, I literally eat every 3 or so hours or else I am zero to HANGRY in no time flat.  My husband has also trained himself to anticipate with my food-related behavior and can tell when I am teetering in hangryville.  The juice fast brought out a world of hangry-hurt.  However, the hangriness was expressed in both of us.  To know that I am not the only person who goes a little crazy/cranky when hungry made feel AWESOME…for about 2 minutes…until I felt hungry again.  We were not a happy juicing couple.  Especially in the afternoons from about 2-5pm, where there was a serious amp up in crankiness…maybe because there was not a yummy dinner on the horizon but just juice. Adding to the hangriness was that I was still feeding my kids regular food (obviously), which made it very tempting to just snack on what they were eating.  
3. My snacking habits before this fast were pretty awful.  Whenever I put stuff out for my kids, I’d take a bite or two, or grab a couple of chips for myself.  Not only was I eating too many refined carbs, but I was hindering my weight loss with the snacking.  Really examining this habit has really highlighted my need for greater self-control.
4. It is very hard to eat a diet devoid of protein so we did not completely give it up.  We had nuts…a lot of almonds and cashews. To do this without protein is just nuts (pun intended).
5. We lived without caffeine for 4+ days.  In preparation, I went to half-caffeine coffee for about a week before starting the fast.  I really did not notice the change.  I managed to continue with no coffee for almost a week after the fast was over…until the kids got my up 4 times in one night with the first round of the preschool plague that hit our house.  However, I am only drinking half-caffeinated coffee in the morning, and I plan on keeping it that way…for now. I have a history of a fast heart dysrhythmia so the benefit of this change in habit is something to embrace. (Update since I've written this--Our daughter contracted her first round of the preschool plague after her first two days of school and woke me up 4x in one night, and her brother got up to eat in between her last two awakenings so after that night I'm back on full-caffeinated coffee.  However, only allowing myself to drink one per day. Plus...I mean...it's PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE season. Enough said.)
6. It is expensive.  Even with cheaper items like bulk bought carrots, apples and Kale.  So. Much. Kale.  It was close to $30/per person PER DAY to do this juice fast. And on that note—2 people juicing with just a side-by-side fridge?  Not a lot of room. Which means more trips to the grocery store. Which means more gas money. Not our cheapest endeavor.
7. If you drink a lot of beet juice your pee will turn pinkish. Also, I was so worried about turning orange that I tried to limit my carrots in my juices to once a day.  One juice we made had both carrots and sweet potatoes.  The next day I complete avoided carrots.
8. Juiced onion always needs to be in a lesser quantity that whatever the recipe calls for…if at all.
9. Of all the foods we missed—it was mostly the umami and savory flavors.  We did not miss sweets at all.  This was big for me.  Also since completing the fast, I have reduced the amount of sugar in my coffee by half and we have both had a significant drop in our sweets cravings overall. However, on day 3, I saw a Domino’s delivery car in my neighborhood around lunchtime and I had visions of running out and carjacking him for whatever pizza he had in there…and I don’t even really like Domino’s!
10. On the third evening, after powering through our “dinner” (begrudgingly…and perhaps with a couple of tears), my husband looked at me and was like “um…are we essentially crash dieting?”  Light-bulb moment…YES.  We both lost 6-8 pounds in 3.5 days.  Yes, we know that this was mostly water weight. Duh.
11. When you’ve only had juice and nuts for 3+ days and go out to dinner with a group of friends, you are a very cheap date when it comes to the fermented grape juice.  Okay, this is not much of a change.  My alcohol tolerance has always been…nonexistent?
12. When it comes to juice recipes stick to what has been already created by the people who have done it before.  I tried to brainstorm some combinations on my own and it always ended up gross but since I was so hungry I would just hold my nose and power through. Also, while mustard greens and kale have a very similar appearance, DO NOT MIX THEM UP when juicing.
13. The main character of the documentary, Joe Cross, did his juice fast under a doctor’s supervision for 60 days.  60. He said the first 3 days were the hardest—which I now know to be true.  When we embarked upon this juicing journey, we really thought that we’d keep this up for a week or two.  Once we got to the fourth day, we both realized that we were going to kill each other if we didn’t consume something that actually involved chewing.  It did allow us to take a hard look at our old ways and habits in order to start making the changes we needed to lead healthier lives.  We are still juicing in the morning as a meal replacement and occasionally as a snack in the afternoon. Lunches and dinners are more balanced with lean meats or plant proteins with a lot more vegetables are making it onto our plates. 

So there you have it. Juice fast complete.  Now a month later, we have continued to juice occasionally and really cleaned up our diet habits.  Since Labor Day, I have managed to lose 8 pounds and my husband 11.  Portion control, snacking control, and just overall nutrition quality control is what we gained from our fasting experience.  Given the opportunity, what could you possibly gain?

The Adventures Perils of Potty Training

About a month before our threenager started preschool, it was time.  It was time to push this potty training business.  Our daughter seemed to be pretty content with pooping her pants forever and while she may not have been that ready to start potty training, we sure as hell were.  That and we were paying for preschool and she had to be in a pull-up to attend. It’s not that we have not tried to slowly introduce the business of the bathroom to this girl.  There has been a little potty available for use since she was 18 months.  So, I had a good stretch off from work and I arranged my schedule to where no errands needed to happen in a that three day work hiatus and we stayed in our house like a prison.  The first day was rough, the second day was better and by the third she seemed to be getting the hang of it…except pooping. And while she has continued to do mostly well—there are still days of regression.  Maybe it is because of the use of pull-ups over plain underwear but I’m pretty sure that she just has lazy days, too.  Those lazy days just include peeing her pants.

     The shopping list in preparation of potty training:

1. Paper towels (don’t be stingy and get the 1-2 pack. This business needs the 12 pack…and maybe even 2 of those.)
2. TP and flushable wipes
3. Carpet cleaner (I recommend Nature’s Miracle.  It’s found at the pet stores and great for urine.  It can be used on hard surfaces, carpet, and the microfiber sectional)
4. Clorox wipes
5. Miralax and/or pediatric Colace (If you have a poop withholding child, treat it before it becomes an issue where you have to take them to the ED for them to do an X-ray and tell you that your child is FOP or Full O' Poop)
6. Potty with an ADEQUATE splash guard (I'm pretty sure after this experience there is no splash guard adequate for a girl)
7. Coffee
8. Wine
9. Dresses or long shirts
10. Toddler underwear
11. Pull-ups (if using)

Now.  You already know to reel in your patience and try to be encouraging when your child pees on the floor…or couch…or over the potty seat for the umpteenth time.  But there are some other things you might need g and situations you need to anticipate that you may not realize can occur:

• I have new carpet as of February of this year.  So every time she has had an accident on my beautiful, clean, new carpet, I have cringed a little.  It may not have been wise to change out the carpet before we began this process.  However, unlike the old builders-grade carpet we had before, this carpet does have some awesome stain resistant qualities so clean up has not been as bad as it could have been. 
• Good AC/Heat control.  Your kid is running around naked or only top-clothed.  Don’t make them freeze!
• A couch with cushion covers that can zip off and be tossed in the wash has been one of the greatest inventions ever.
• A somewhat comfortable existence with the hoohah that is flying all over your house free as a bird. 
• Towels and blankets—I know this seems like a given but it is not for mopping up the messes, that is what the paper towels are for.  You need these to put on the wet spots after they have been cleaned/disinfected because they will still be wet—and you do not want your baby crawling through that.  If you do not have a baby, you don’t want to keep stepping in the same wet spot you keep forgetting about. Trust me, if there is a wet spot, my husband will find it while wearing socks (and one of his biggest pet peeves is stepping in a wet something while wearing socks).
• A rock solid stomach as you may be cleaning up turds from the carpet…or the threenagers foot.
• You already know you’ll be cleaning accidents but accidents come in many different forms.  There was one day that if my daughter peed over the potty on more time I was going to lose it.  So we moved her to the big potty.  The problem is mostly remedied except when she decides to sit too close to the edge…and then I'm mopping pee again.
• Also, your child will say they need to poop and you’ll rush them to the potty, only to find a turd already in the pants that you just caught with your hand….ew. Just ew.
• Despite being a clean freak, you’ll inevitably miss a spot of pee somewhere and keep getting whiffs of it and then clean like a madwoman in an effort to find said spot.
• Before potty training, when the littlest Ali would go down for his afternoon nap, I could catch 15-20 minutes to catnap on the couch by putting on a show and giving the threenager some milk.  Now that she is potty-trained, every 10 minutes she asks to go…bye-bye catnaps.
• PAS or Poop Attention Seeking behavior. One afternoon, my daughter kept saying she had to poop and I must have put her on the potty at least 20 times in 2 hours with no result.  All during those two hours I was also dealing with her cranky, teething brother and attempting to make dinner.  By the 20^th time I had had it and she spent a half hour in room because I realized that she was just asking for attention.  This is also similar to MSATP syndrome or MUST SEE ALL THE POTTIES Syndrome—where you are out running errands and they insist on going potty, only to do nothing but just see another bathroom. Because, you know, it’s easy to do this all one-handed while holding the baby and holding your wallet…

Some children may potty-train overnight but that is not the case for my child (This was also not the case for me, according to my mother.).  Even now, I’ll cancel outings/errands to just stay home and reinforce potty time because I will notice some regression.  Her comfort with asking for the potty while we are out in public is also limited and often results in a wet pull-up. Can't blame her--public toilets are scary (Actually, she's not afraid of the loud flushing public toilet.  However, if one of those super hand dryers are present you would think the zombie apocalypse is upon us.)

So for 2+ months, we have coasted on this wave that is potty training.  Many wipe-outs have occurred (pun intended) and some days are better than others. She is mostly going in the potty and I guess that's a partial win. We are a couple weeks into the school year and so far she goes for her teacher or teacher aides with no problem.  Just like with any new phase, it will get better with time...I hope.  

Stay tuned.  My husband and my notoriously hangry self did a juice fast and we have to tell you all about it...

The Countdown to Preschool in the Ali House

In one week, our daughter will start her first day of preschool.  For 2.5 hours, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I will only have one child to attend to.  That is 7.5 hours per week.  Other moms I talk to are sad and weepy about their child going to school.  Me?  I’ll be dancing out the door. 

I love my daughter.  She is spirited, goofy and sweet.  She is also stubborn as hell and strong-willed.  She also needs more entertainment than what her 10 month old brother and I can provide.  Let me explain what I get a break from while she is going to be at school:

1. Asking every 5 minutes of every waking hour if she needs to go potty (Only for her to say NO.  She still goes in the potty.  I’d say she’s about 75% percent trained, which is good enough for her to attend school.)
2. Trying to develop her abstract thought.  This is so frustrating—while I realize she is only 3, some days she looks at me like I have 5 heads when I ask her to do something.  Like, she has never heard me ask before or that I speak a totally different language.  We’ve also been trying to get her to have normal conversations, which inevitably is a losing battle.  Conversations like:             Me: What is your name?
   R: NAMEEEEEEEE
   Me: No.  I’m asking what your name is.  What is your name?
   R: NAMEEEEEEEEE
   Me: No. You answer “My name is….”
   R: MynameisRayaI’mthreeyearsold. (Said hardly intelligible to those who don’t know what I call “Rayanese”)
   Me: ::sigh and faceplam::
3. Asking her 3 times in a calm voice to clean up some toys.  Only to escalate to threats and psycho-mom voice when she continues to just kick them around rather than put them in the effing plastic bin where they belong.
4. Trying to determine WHAT THE HELL she will eat today, if anything.  The hunger strike since the beginning summer is still going strong.  I fight every day for her to eat something rather than drinking milk all day. 
5. From her asking to watch Mickey, Bubble Guppies Halloween, Einsteins, “Doggy” (El Perro y El Gato) and Miles from Tomorrowland.
6. Thinking of ways to entertain her, especially after I got off work late and then they wake me up at 630a for the day.  Her brother will likely take his morning nap during her school hours and I get to act like I have only one kid for 2.5 hours and can actually get a nap in myself, if needed.
7. Errand running with 2 kids. Or even Doctors’ visits with 2 kids! 

Sure, I’m going to miss some aspects of our normal daily life while she is at school.  Things like:

1. Her and he brother playing so awesomely together.
2. Her cuddles, hugs and kisses.
3. A relatively germ free house because we have been lucky enough to not have to use daycare and have family in the area to care for the kids when we work.  School is about to alter this healthy status rapidly. Vitamins for everybody!

Now.  In a week—my attitude my change drastically .  I may be that weepy mom wiping tears away as she lets go of my hand without a glance over her shoulder to experience new things and make friends.  But, I have high hopes that preschool will make up what I have been lacking in getting her language skills developed and really help tune her into the model citizen that I try every day to achieve.  I hope that she will remember to say please, thank you and no thank you.  I hope that having other kids use the potty will encourage her to be more independent in her toileting.  I hope that while she may not eat much when she comes home, she will try whatever snacks that are served.  I hope she will learn that the worlds is hers to develop and change. 

Who am I kidding?  I just hope she learns to form a sentence with the added bonus of wiping her own ass. 

To be continued once she actually starts school next week :)

The Mommy-Wall

There are certain periods of time, sometimes just a day or two, sometimes weeks stretching into months, where things feel stagnant and not in a good way.  Life, kids and relationships can seem to wear you down rather than build you up and you then feel very small and lonely.  These times are what I call the Mommy-Wall.  Intervals that are hard but you have to keep telling yourself that this too, shall pass—and some days this is harder than others to accomplish, especially when you’re in a long stretch of unhappiness or difficulty.

Most of the time, the Mommy-Wall has sneaked up on me, catching me off guard. With the birth of my first child, the sleep deprivation got to me after about six months—she still was not sleeping through the night and between that and working part time it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I remember saying to my husband “If she doesn’t start sleeping more consistently, I’m moving out!”  Around 7 months, she began sleeping a large stretch steadily, and I hurdled over the Wall and kept on trucking.  When I look back, I guess the description of the Mommy-Wall is equivalent to that of burn-out—which I have felt at various times in my life, as I am sure you have as well.  When these burnout periods occur, I find myself trying to change my course in order to remedy the negative feelings that are plaguing my day-to-day life.  However, most of the time it is a short-lived phase. Little kids generally have little problems but even those little problems make me question my sanity and often make me question my morals and so-called parenting style.  Society has moved towards labeling everything and then somehow makes you feel guilty for faltering on your ideals (Fact: kids don’t give a flying-eff about your “ideals” and what worked one day might not work the next and what works for one child obviously will not have an impact the other).  Truth is though, life is constantly flowing and changing and being adaptable is what has allowed us to survive this long. 

At times, my biggest challenge is to focus more on the good moments than bad. Throughout the stages of raising one child to 2.5 years before the addition of another, there have been various times where I thought “Seriously…I cannot do this one. more. day” (had one of these moments yesterday, in fact, when dealing with potty training the threenager and trying to get her to poop in the damn potty).  It is those times where you realize how easy it is to be lost in the throes of parenting and to feel that you are a speck in the ocean of daily life.  As a healthcare professional, I find myself feeling guilty during these tougher times because in truth, my tough times are not tough at all in comparison to others.  The kids are healthy, family is healthy, we have food on the table, and we can afford cars, gas and luxuries like heat/ac. However, a wise person once told me that if it makes me feel a certain way that I should not feel as though my feelings are irrelevant.  Having perspective is good---keeping reality in the rear-view is a good way to operate.  For now, my goal is making it to bedtime alive and hopefully with a smile on everyone’s face, and that’s okay. 

Stay tuned—the Potty Training Perils post is coming!

What I was not prepared for when I jumped on the kid/family bandwagon

Took a little hiatus for some vacation and family time. Now, back to work!

What I was not prepared for when I jumped on the kid/family bandwagon:

1. Two words. Back. Fat.  When you are pregnant—everything is stretched and taut…then the baby leaves the vessel and all the things that were stretched are now saggy and flabby. You have rolls in the front to contend with, as well as new rolls in the back that attempt to swallow your bra…and then there is the dreaded muffin top. There’s a reason for mom jeans, ya’ll.  Maybe one day I’ll get back into the low rise jeans. For now, I am resigned to the back fat…and my new pancake ass size.
2. Let Peedom Ring. Yup. It’s true.  It may not happen to you, but chances are it probably will.  And unless you are the bold talker like myself, it is simply not discussed—but if we didn’t laugh at the fact that in making these adorable mini-humans we have developed the lovely side effect of peeing ourselves, then how can we get past it?  I remember how much it caught me by surprise. The moment where I was like…okay…this just happened. This thing I thought would never happen to me totally just transpired.  I was at a bachelorette party three months post birth of first baby…baby-free and therefore quite inebriated, dancing at the elite (ahem) club known as Seacrets.  “Oooo!  This song is so AW-E-SOME!” and I started to jump up and down. And then I froze. Holy crap did I just pee myself? So, I’m like okay…I’m reasonable and a medical professional.  I am drunk and probably need to empty my bladder—get back to the dance floor and attempt the jumping move again. Hmm…yup that didn’t work. So, in short, no more fun jumping dance move that I was crazy about in my pre-baby days…and no jumping jacks…and no sneezing while sitting indian style…and no sneezing with a full bladder…and no sneezing AT ALL while pregnant with number 2…It’s embarrassing but, alas, very common. And Kegels?  Haha—all of us out there with a little sneeze-piddling every once and awhile have done a metric ass-ton of Kegels with no real improvement. SO preach your Kegels-idea elsewhere.
3. Generalized Emotional Instability That isn’t including post-partum depression or anxiety.  Pregnant? Just gave birth? Just weaned? PMS? There’s a lovely emotional roller-coaster for each. My husband once made a joke that toddlers are bipolar psychopaths that are constantly trying to kill themselves. The hormonal, sleep-deprived mother is not far off from this description. On that note—I felt very anxious after the birth of my second child. I didn’t score within a range of intervention on the 6 week post-partum depression scale because alas, I was not depressed. When I asked my doctor for a referral for a therapist, he offered me a prescription for Xanax, which I declined. The referral he gave me was for a psychiatrist. Don’t get me wrong—psychiatry is a valid area of medicine. However, I often care for those who do the psychiatry component without an added therapist component. I don’t see anyone getting better on medication alone. I had to look and research to find a therapist that was right for me. 
4. Dislike for you kids and/or spouse compounded with an extreme lack of patience. Of course you love your family. You love your spouse—but there are some days you don’t particularly like them. Kids are the same way. I didn’t particularly like the 6 weeks of hell that consumes me when there is a newborn and I especially do not like my threenager on her days where she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. It goes both ways, though—I am sure they don’t like me some days either.
5. Diet changes that may be permanent.  When I was a kid I was a picky eater.  When I hit my late teens and early 20s, my palate finally matured and I started to be more adventurous and branch out.  Then, I got pregnant. My first pregnancy was actually enjoyable as I was hardly sick and could eat just about anything but fish. With my second? The only thing I could stomach regularly was pasta. Before kids I was also a pretty decent cook.  While pregnant, since I was feeling green constantly, I could barely stand up at the stove and cook a meal. After kids, it has taken a lot of time to take pleasure in cooking again.  My tastes are slowly returning—I am just feeling like eating vegetables again 9 months after the birth of my second child.
6. Pooping is a spectator sport. Before kids, the door was always closed. It is private time, period. After kids? The door that once locked out the world is now on a revolving hinge. What does not help this change is the fact that the only place we can hang the doorway bouncer is in our first floor bathroom—so a baby is often chilling there goofing at you. Plus, even when you can close the door, it is not exactly a quiet moment—the crib midgets ultimately need something or just want to bother you.
7. Learning how judgmental you were and possibly still are. Pre-children you have ideals. And you judge EVERYBODY: that mom in the store with the toddler having the Hiroshima meltdown over something, the mom who is formula feeding, the mom that stays at home or works or both, private vs. public schools, organic vs GMOs…the list goes on. When you have a child, you realize how HARD parenting truly can be and that you really are an asshole. You. Know. Nothing. And here’s the truth? Nobody knows what they are doing---even the goddamn sanctimommies. Parenting is so imperfect, yet we continue to put each other down because it’s not what we believe. Get over yourself and just be. Life is too short to judge people or to worry about someone judging you.
8. You will probably get caught doing the nasty with your spouse. Whether it is an oversight in door closing (and possibly locking), or a spontaneous event somewhere else in your house other than the bedroom, you are bound to get caught no matter what precautions you think you have taken. While your kid(s) are still in cribs this is highly unlikely, unless, of course, you have a climber.  Once they’re out, though, good luck.  We were good for a while even after that point because we could lock my daughter’s door…but alas…she has figured out the contraption.  Nothing like jumping and hiding under your sheets while your kid comes in sleepily asking for milk, none the wiser as to what she has just interrupted… for now. The actual scarring will come later, I’m sure.
9. You will eventually hurt your child.  And no, I don’t mean abuse.  I mean totally on accident.  You will run into them, not realizing their toddling, top-heavy little body was standing right behind you.  You will throw a ball to them and it will knock them over or hit them in the eye. You will forget to put the gate up and your daughter will ever-so-proudly stand up on a step, only to then face plant on the wood floor, ripping her frenulum, bleeding everywhere and freaking you out.  (Ahem, that last one was purely hypothetical). Sometimes the accident will happen when you are distracted, forget something, or even trust your child a little too much because they have never done something before so why would they do it now? Accidents happen, but they still make you feel like shit. It is a normal and also okay to feel awful and depressed for a couple days post-accident whether serious or not.  You spend all of your time trying to protect your child from harm so when something happens you question everything. You are not a bad parent—you are human.
10. Sleep deprivation.  You thought you knew what you were getting into. You did countless all-nighters in school, have done night shift and have been pretty damn tired before. So you are prepared for what’s coming, right?  BIG FAT WRONG.  I don’t know about you, but I have never been so tired in my life. I have not slept right since my first was born, and when I had somewhat recovered from the sleepless onslaught she wreaked upon me, I got stupid and decided it was time for another. So, I’m right back where I started. I’ve learned a lot about myself in my sleep deprived state—mainly how I can go from zero to BITCH in a nanosecond.
11. Aphasia and Amnesia. Also known as Mombrain. It’s real. You get a glimpse of it while you are pregnant but it is when the baby comes and the sleep deprivation sets in that you realize you are just plain effed in the brain department.  Before kid-- I was a PICU nurse who could handle two critically ill patients without writing a single thing down and keeping track of intake, output and all of the complexities involved with the patients. Now? I have to write down everything because if I don’t it is gone. Like...forever.  It could be something silly, which is not really the problem—it’s the important stuff like what you need at the store for dinner, or a call you need to make for your job.  The worse is forgetting stuff when other people are counting on you. Another thing that has seemed to go to the wayside is my vocabulary for everyday conversation. A patient comes in the ER and the name of whatever they have injured or their complaint has left me—so I stutter to find the word or just go to the all-encompassing description of the “thingie.”  I sound like an idiot. I feel like an idiot. Words leave me all of the time. Sometimes it is something simple and I can describe it—but other times I struggle to find even the description to help me out. Before kids I had once considered going back to school—but now that my vocabulary has resorted to "thingies"…and a lot of curse words. I think I will be waiting an eternity for my brain to build back some essential cells and maybe some retention power. Wait...what were we talking about, again?
12. Kids are gross and often share it with you.  Your kid just learned to give kisses but they have a cold. Are you going to deny the new affection? Hell no. Is the fact that there is snot on her face that she’s smooshing all into you cheek totally vomit-inducing? Yes. You will also eat drooly cheerios when shared. You will probably get peed on, drooled and barfed on (bonus points for in your mouth or other major orifice!), and every parent out there has a good poop story. The next time you see my husband, ask him what events lead to where he got poop on his face.
13. You will never stop caring about what your kids are consuming (both mentally and physically). Our daughter is a picky eater. My husband and I have basically driven ourselves into apoplexy in any given week because of what she will or won’t (mostly won’t) eat. Then, there is the food prep for the baby—the good news is that he eats (for now)…but I almost cannot keep up. The threenager also likes to become CONSUMED by a show or movie for weeks at a time. Currently we have watched Lilo and Stitch about 2x/day for 10 days. She sings along to the Hawaiian song in the opening, forgodsake! There was that study released recently that show that the content in Sesame Street is equivalent to what is taught in preschool.  Well? The threenager refuses to sit through one episode. I can’t really blame her…that show is a little nuts.
14. You can go from zero crying in an instant, men included. A Google Chrome, Hallmark or even Budweiser commercial can be the culprit...and that montage of war veterans coming home to their families on YouTube. Also, those crocodile tears you never thought you would fall for before you became a parent totally melt you in an instant…and she knows it. It does not matter what it is, but all you know if before kids you cried like 2 times a year. Now? Two times a week is a good week for you. 

The Percent Clusterf*ck Theory

You read right. Ever since becoming a parent 3+ years ago, I have a developed a grading system for determining how well an outing or event with my children plays out.  This theory can also be applied to your everyday events and happenings. It is just something that I use to try to lighten a situation and it almost always illicits a laugh from the person I am talking to when I am trying to describe how well something did or did not go. 

The Percent Clusterf*ck can also be used with an associated rewards system for mom, dad, or whoever is caring for the crib midgets at the moment.  For example, if you feel something has gone to greater than 50, 60 or even 75% Clusterf*ck, then, my dear, you deserve an adult beverage and something fried…and/or chocolate.  If something is below the 50% Clusterf*ck range, then that is counted as a success in the books.  And a success, in theory, also deserves a reward of an adult beverage and chocolate…and maybe a pedicure.  Either way you win, right?

Examples of Percent Clusterf*ck rating in regards to life with children

Note: Most of these situations are hypothetical...yeah that's my story and I'm sticking to it… 

Exhibit A: You’re pregnant with #2, at the OB office naked from the waist down in a flimsy gown, trying to entertain the Toddler (She wasn’t the Threenager until after her brother was born).  You wait almost 2 hours for your OB.  By the time he walks in, you’re so frazzled and weary looking that he asks if you are feeling depressed.  During the questioning, the Toddler throws your phone on the floor (but the screen didn’t shatter, hooray!).  Percent Clusterf*ck about 60.  However, you are pregnant and technically cannot partake in the adult beverage so instead you go home and lick the condensation off a beer bottle in hopes of a contact buzz and eat a serving (or five) of fudge brownies…and/or pickles.

Exhibit B: You decided to go to the local petting farm because the Threenager keeps talking about the piggies. Before you leave, the baby manages to puke on you and also ruin his outfit with a pooptastrophe.  Okay, life happens, everyone gets changed and handled and you’re on your way. Once at the petting farm, there are no piggies as they are due to be born the following week and now the Threenager is disappointed (Yup, should have checked that website).  After dealing with the disappointment, the Threenager turns into defiant and non-listening terror and you have to chase after her while baby is in the carrier attached to your body and you tweak your knee.  After several come-to-Jesus talks with the Threenager, the last warning has been given and you are now leaving as punishment (but not before claiming your free ice cream sandwiches).  In the car, the Threenager cries big fat tears while drinking her milk cup…and you stress eat both ice cream sandwiches (Well, the baby helped and maybe you were nice enough to give the Threenager a couple bites).  Percent Clusterf*ck?  80.

Exhibit C: In our house we have a bedtime routine where the baby goes to bed a good 30-45 minutes before the Threenager.  The other night, circumstances changed and the Threenager fell asleep in the car while the baby stayed awake. In trying to put the Threenager to bed, she woke up wailing/crying and it took more time than originally allotted to get her into her bed. Come downstairs to find that the baby had throroughly distributed water from the dog bowl all over himself and the majority of the kitchen. Percent Clusterf*ck? 55-60. Add another 10 percent depending on your fatigue and patience level by that time of night.

Now, the above examples are application in regards to children but it can be used in your normal life.  I am an ER nurse—most of us function with a baseline level of Clusterf*ck well over 50% during any given shift and it can go from that to 100% in a blink of an eye. Had a particularly heinous day with a client account?  Grade it. And when you let other people in on this theory, it is a joke that can be understood and have a laugh.  Be advised, though, you might want to keep your voice down when using the actual word CLusterf*ck—young ears are impressionable. Although…the Threenager’s appropriate use of the word would make a great blogpost…

The 10 Commandments of Picky Eating

1. Thou shalt eat everything at least once in your short life and then dwindle down the approved list of foods to less than 10 items.
2. At a random moment, Thou shalt eat something NOT on the approved food list…but definitely never touch it again.
3. Thou shalt eat only take-out or fast food forms of some approved foods consistently (i.e. French fries and ketchup, Peruvian pollo a la brasa, Peruvian rice and beans) but the second Mom tries to serve the exact same homemade item, thou shalt poo-poo it.
4. Thou shalt decide that you really don’t want to eat peanut butter sandwiches for like 3 weeks causing your mother angst that you subsist on nothing but goldfish crackers and milk.
5. Thou shalt become a little twit because you are really HANGRY but refuse to eat.
6. Thou shalt refuse any approved items if made differently that what you are used to (ie. Black raspberry jam ONLY on the pbj, and not on wheat bread because that is blasphemous! And no, Annie’s cheddar bunnies are NOT the same as goldfish…)
7. Thou shalt freak out when constipated even though it is your diet choices that caused the unfortunate condition.
8. Thou shalt demand to eat weird things like your baby brother’s rice puffs (that have no nutritional value, by the way), but only the Gerber ones.  Plum and Happy Baby? No way, Jose.
9. Thou shalt drive your mother crazy as she tries to be a short-order cook. Every. Single. Day.
10. Thou shalt constantly remind your mother that pay back is a bitch, as she did this to her own mother and survived solely on baked potatoes and waffles for months on end.  Realize, though, that this is apparently genetic and that your time will come ::insert evil laugh here::

Reasons Why I Cannot Mom Today

Reasons that I cannot Mom today (in no particular order):

It is mother-effing hot as balls outside

You say “Were you not one of the people complaining about how cold the winter was?”  And the answer is, HELL YES BECAUSE IT WAS ALSO MOTHER-EFFING COLD THIS PAST WINTER!!  Caring for children is ideal at 70-80 degree range.  Right now it is 90+ with high humidity and bad air quality, thus not ideal for entertaining the threenager.

My raging hormones are making my skin resemble my teenage years

              Seriously, it’s not just the fact that I have pushed out two humans and possibly stretched my body to the point of no return…and definitely no recovering from the stretch marks.  BUT the skin?  I mean come on UNIVERSE!  I am already bald forgodsake!  Cut me a break!

Because trying to motivate my threenager to potty train is slowly chipping away at my sanity.

              And she starts preschool in 3 months…Buh.

The baby, who is normally a happy traveler, is screaming mad in his car seat today and I want an effing mute button.

              Kids cry.  I know this because it is in my job description to make kids cry often as a Pediatric ER RN for tests, medications, exams, etc.  That being said, I literally never get a break—my life needs a mute button because now that I have two children that basically means that they are hardly happy at the same time.  And at work--we all know that no sick child is happy. Ever.

Because I have run out of my stash of threenager-sized diapers on the main level of my house and need to go up the stairs for the umpteenth time today.

              Before you sanctimommies attack me—I have thankful to have a house, money to afford food and diapers, etc. etc. However, I am thoroughly sick of my townhouse as I hauled my pregnant butt up/down x2 and now hauling two kids in and out is an Olympic event in this house (and add two dogs to this equation occasionally, one of which is completely blind). We are going to get a rancher for our next house because I am DUNZO with stairs.

When I went to run errands today, I didn’t realize that the threenager was not actually buckled into her car seat until I was about to pull out of my neighborhood. 

              I am human. She climbed into her car seat while I was buckling in the baby. I spaced. As I started my career in nursing in a Level 1 Trauma Center PICU, I have encountered several patients where the car seats were not used or used improperly. I know this is not good on a level that most people will never understand.  As soon as I realized it, I started to have flashbacks to the patients I had and felt like a horrible mother who sucks at life.  Sad to say, too, this is the second near-miss moment.  Sometimes we all need help and mine will now be in the form of a reminder post-it on my dash.

And on the subject of child safety:

I momentarily forgot to close the gate on the stairs when returning from the hell-trip that was Target.

              Thankfully my newly crawling son did not notice.  More flashbacks from past patients. Number 2 major oversight of the day.

Because Target.

              Here are the events that transpired written in a run-on paragraph because I really need you to truly grasp the exasperation that I felt after this trip today.  My son was screaming from travel time from Home Depot to Target.  When getting everything ready to go into Target, I told my threenager to move while I closed the tailgate, who then moved directly into the path of my elbow that hit the top of her head. Tears ensued and therefore truly set the tone of the trip.  I am a horrible mother. Crying continued along with various demands/tantrums with requests for items or the ultimate tear inducer of the trip—Mommy’s phone (Sorry kid, needed it for the coupons at checkout).  Threatened, out loud, to put clearance sticker on the threenager and leave her in the baby aisle. Dry humor…hopefully people won’t call CPS on me.  Come home, and things settle after food and quiet time. I put away the bounty…and realize that one of the things I needed to get at Target I did not end up getting. Fucking. Applesauce. GAH!

My threenager has officially given up naps.

              Self-Explanatory.

I am grateful that my kids are so forgiving because I need a lot of love today.  I kind of want to curl up in a ball with a fresh batch of chocolate cookies and wine in a sippy cup…but love and snuggles from my kids will have to do, because I do still need to Mom…even on my bad days.